The sun rose over Sherwood Forest, the dew dripped from the trees and the hazy rays of light lit up the ground.
A Pair of feet crunched through autumn leaves, oblivious to the ambush up ahead.
Four arrows and a club lay in wait for the approaching victim, the bows tightened, the club trembled in anticipation of attack.
As the victim hit its target, the five ambushers sprang into action.
“Your money or your life!?”
The victim was surrounded on all sides.
Tense silence filled the air, the occasional bird sang in the distance. 
Then came the reply.
“Neither.”
The victim sprang to life, a swift kick to the club sent it flying through the air, then with acrobatic precision, dodging the oncoming arrows and swinging from an overhead branch, it took out two of the ambushers from behind.
As one of the ambushers cowardly ran for cover, the last was left, loyally defending its turf.
“Stand and deliver!”
The arrow pointing at the victim’s chest shook, as the last of the ambushers tightened its bow.
The stranger smiled underneath the long black hooded cloak that obscured its face.
“Hello Marian.”
The last ambusher lowered its arrow slightly.
The black covering slid down the face of the smiling stranger.
The ambusher gasped.
“You!”

   ..................................................................................................................................

In the royal castle, the King sat proudly on his throne, his royal robes swimming around him; his crown coquetishly perched high on his Bald head.
As one of his subjects approached, he raised his sword.
The blinding glint of the steel cast a menacing light on the face of the monarch. As the blade raised, and the subject knelt, he smiled. The sword was sent speeding down twice, and then silence...
“Arise...Sir Nottingham.”

   ..................................................................................................................................

“Aren’t you pleased to see me?”
Marian unloaded her bow, and the other four ambushers came out from the undergrowth, the only injuries, to their pride.
“It’s a girl!” came an unstifled cry of the cowardly ambusher.
“You were expecting the Arch Bishop of Canterbury?”
Marian spoke. “I wasn’t expecting you!”
One of the other ambushers spoke.
“Marian...who is this?”
Marian sighed.
“Barrington, Rabies, Little Ron, Robin...this is Scarlet...”
“...My sister.”
   ..................................................................................................................................

Worksop village Centre was a hive of excitement, the news of the stranger had spread like wildfire. All minds were on the question. “Who could have fought the merry men and won!?”
“I heard he was as big as an elephant and as strong as a bull!” came a voice from the crowd.
“I heard he comes from China and is skilled in the art of foo yung!”
Such was the intensity of the discussion, no one noticed the Kings guards approaching, they didn’t notice as they hammered a wooden post into the ground, and they didn’t notice the huge eviction notice that stood prominently in the village entrance. When they eventually did notice, it was too late, as the eviction order took immediate effect. At the bottom of the notice, in bold letters was the name of the victor;
‘Sir Sheriff of Nottingham’.

   ..................................................................................................................................

As the merry men sat around the campfire, Marian handed a cup of acorn tea to her guest.
The atmosphere was noticeably cold, as the rest of the merry men refrained from their usual banter.
The silence was broken by a sneeze from Robin, which was met by an angry glare from Marian. After drinking her tea, Marian spoke.
“So...how’s Mum?”
Scarlet looked up from her cup awkwardly.
“I wouldn’t know...she ran off with the man that came to fix the meter.”
Marian raised her eyebrows.
“When was this?”
“About a year ago. They decided to travel the world together.”
“Where did they go?”
“Scunthorpe.”
As another silence rang through the clearing, the men took this as their queue to leave.
Marian looked up at her sister.
“Where have you been staying?”
“Here and there...Mum wanted me to come with her.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“A life of B&B’s on the coast isn’t really my idea of fun!”
Marian smiled.
“So I Thought I’d visit my older sis in Worksop, turns out she’s a dental receptionist guerrilla fighter!”
Scarlet smiled up at her sister.
“And she’s got four burly young men working for her!...What would the neighbours back home think?!”
“It’s a living!” Marian smiled.
“Aren’t you going to show me around?”

   ..................................................................................................................................
Robin Barrington, Little Ron and Rabies made their way towards Worksop. 
Robin turned to Barrington. “I didn’t know Marian had a sister!”
“Yeah they don’t get on.”
“Why?”
“She nicked Marian's boyfriend.” quipped Little Ron.
“Marian had a boyfriend!?”
They reached the village entrance, the eviction notice towering above their heads.
“That’s outrageous man!”
“I know Marian in love! Yuck!”
“No! Not that!” Barrington pointed up at the eviction notice.
“That’s sooo uncool!”

   ..................................................................................................................................

In the castle, the newly knighted sheriff packed his bags.
Gary and Graeme carried in a huge trunk, in which a wardrobe of clothes was tipped.
Gary turned to Graeme,
“Why does he need all of those clothes? He only ever wears one outfit!”
Graeme shrugged.
“Quiet you two and get on with my packing!”
“Where are you going sire?”
“That’s sir, Graeme.”
“No that’s Graeme, sir!” said Gary.
The Sheriff sighed, “I’m moving out of this stinking dump! The king’s given me my own land for a castle!”
“ooooooh that’s nice sir!, where is it?”
“A little place called Worksop!”

   ..................................................................................................................................

Marian and Scarlet rounded the corner, and were confronted by the entire population of Worksop coming in the other direction, followed by the merry men.
“What’s going on?”
Gladys came forward.
“It’s the Sir Sheriff, he’s evicted us!”
“Sir?”
“The king’s made him into a sir, he’s moving out of the castle, and into a New Castle, they’re knocking down our houses for it!”
“We’ll see about that!”
“Come on guys, you can stay in our hideout until we get your village back!”
“Oh Thankyou Marian!” cheered the villagers.
Marian took Gladys’ luggage and led the way.
Robin sidled over to Scarlet and smiled. “So, you stole Marian’s boyfriend did you?”
Barrington shoved him in the ribs.
Scarlet grinned. “I didn’t steal anything that didn’t want to be stolen!”
“Uh...okay.”
Scarlet leaned into Robin. “I’m single now...and looking.” She smiled, winked, and strode off ahead.
Robin stopped and blushed. “Great...uh...okay.”
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
The sheriff strode around the village, signalling to Gary and Graeme where he wanted his castle to be built.
“The entrance will go here, leading to the first ensuite, and the dining room and billiards room will go here…” he trailed off with a tape measure.
Gary turned to Graeme “What’s an on sweet?
“Well… you get some sweets like humbugs and sherbet, and a lot of people and…”
“Graeme shut up and measure!” shouted the Sheriff.
He strode around the site that used to be the Worksop Village W.I, and smiled wickedly.
“When I’ve finished with this dump of a village, it will look more luxurious than the Ritz!!”
“Gary?” Graeme turned to him.
“Yeah?”
“Why would the Sheriff want his castle to look like a big cheesy biscuit?”
“Dunno!”
“If you two clowns don’t get on with building my highly expensive and opulent palace. I’ll dip you in concrete, stick a long pole up your rear ends, and use you as gargoyles for my front gates! Do I make myself clear?”
“Right you are sir!
Gary turned to Graeme, “You know, I’ve always preferred those mini cheddars.”
…………………………………………………………………………………

Back at the Merry Men’s hideout, Marian carried a handful of blankets into a makeshift tent, and handed them out to the villagers.
She re-emerged, and sat down beside the fire, next to her sister.
Scarlet turned to her.
“What now?”
Marian looked unyieldingly into the fire, she raised her head.
“Now we get even.”
…………………………………………………………………………………………………

The king sat on his throne, and rapped his fingers on the heavy wooden table. Guy sat beside him on a matching yet smaller and considerably more pink and fluffy throne, looking out into the empty hall.
“Uncle…”
“What!?”
“I’m bored”
The king turned to his nephew.
“Well we’ll have to do something about it then won’t we!”
Guy grinned excitedly.
………………………………………………………………………….

The sheriff walked up to his New Castle, Gary and Graeme were busy hanging a plaque above the door, which read ‘Castle Sheriff (sir)’
He stood and admired its grandeur, the towering roof, the high gates, and the tacky plastic flowerpots from B&Q hanging under the windows.
“Yes…this’ll do nicely.”
………………………………………………………………………..

Marian waited in the cover of the trees, as the royal coach trundled along the uneven dirt track leading away from Nottingham Castle.
From inside the distinct cry of Guy could be heard.
“Yippee with knobs on! I LOVE Royal processions! Where are we going first uncle?”
“Do shut up Guy, I’d hate for you to accidentally fall under the coach and get trampled by the horses.”
Marian smiled.
“Royal procession eh? Looks like someone might need a castle sitter while they’re away!”
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The Sheriff, Gary and Graeme made their way to Nottingham Castle, big sacks in hand.
“Now, we go in, take a few of the gold plates and silverware, and come straight back out again, with any luck by the time old cod face gets back from his procession, he won’t notice they’re gone!!”
“Yes Sheriff”
They walked up to the castle, and the Sheriff put a hand up to the doorknob, he turned it, a ‘click’, then nothing.
“What’s going on? Who locked the door?”
“I did!”
The Sheriff looked up.
Marian poked her head out from a top floor window, beaming from ear to ear.
“We’ve taken back our castle!”
“That’s the kings castle!”
“Built with our money!”
Marian gave them a wave, and disappeared. The Sheriff swallowed hard.
“Oh the King’s not going to be pleased about this!” he squeaked.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Inside the castle, merryment had broken out. The villagers of Worksop were having a huge banquet, and with no mud in sight!
Little Ron looked at the tables full of food.
“We should have done this ages ago!” taking a big spoonful of baked beans with little tiny sausages in.
Marian dished out a plateful of roast chicken, and handed it to Barrington.
He leaned into Marian.
“Robin and Scarlet seem to be having a good time!”
In the corner of the room, Robin whispered something in Scarlet’s ear, she laughed.
Marian looked on and frowned. “Yeah, they do.”
Music filled the air as the village band burst into song, and a chain of dancers circled the room.
Marian made her way to Robin, who was now standing alone in the corner of the room. She looked embarrassed for a moment, then spoke.
“Robin, do you want to-“
Scarlet ran over and took Robin’s hand, leading him into the chain of dancers, they circled the room.
“-dance.” Finished Marian.
She looked at Robin and Scarlet, and scowled, turned into the crowd and disappeared.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Scarlet led Robin outside into the courtyard. They sat on an old wooded bench under an overgrown willow tree. It creaked slightly, startling Robin. Scarlet smiled.
“You don’t do this much do you!?”
Robin shifted uncomfortably.
“I… I don’t know what you mean.”
Scarlet took Robin’s hand.
“Oh…er… right then.!
Scarlet leant up to him and pressed her lips against his…
After a moment, she opened her eyes.
As well as looking frantically for the fastest means of escape, Robin also had the face of someone who had accidentally eaten Marian’s mud and tree moss face pack, mistaking it for chocolate mousse.
Scarlet broke away. Robin looked down at his feet.
“What’s the matter?”
“No…nothing…it’s not you it’s…”
“Robin?”
“I’m sorry!” Robin got up.
“I’m…I’m sorry, I’m just useless!”
He slumped against the tree, a few leaves fell to the ground.
“You’re not useless!!”
Scarlet got up.
“You’re a merry man!, you give to the poor and tie up the rich!”
“That’s not me.” He picked a leaf out of his hair.
“That’s Marian, I just tag along. I’m cowardly, stupid, and terribly attractive. I’m always getting kidnapped and have to be rescued by Marian, even Rabies is more integellent than I am, and at least he can fire an arrow in vaguely the right direction. And ever time it’s up to me to rescue someone, I make a mess of it… I can’t even kiss a girl properly!”
Scarlet smiled sympathetically.
“You’re not all bad.”
Robin looked up.
“You’re kind, sensitive and yes… highly attractive!”
“Well even I can’t deny that!”
“And when your time comes to save the world from angry Normans, you’ll do it in style!”
Robin smiled.
“Well I am very stylish!”
“There ya go!”
Scarlet put a hand on his face, and kissed his cheek.
“And I’m sure when the right girl comes along, you’ll sweep her off her feet!”
Scarlet took Robins hand, and they walked back to the castle.
Out of the shadows of the looming battlements, a watching figure appeared, Marian frowned as she stepped into the moonlight.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The Sheriff sat on the doorstep of the locked castle, head in his hands.
Gary and Graeme were playing Cowboys and Indians.
“Draw!”
“Will you two shut up! I need to get the castle back before dog breath finds out the merry men have taken it over!”
Gary turned to him.
“You could say it got blown away like in that film”
“What the Wizard of Oz?” said Graeme.
“No… Gone with the wind.”
“Ah!”
The Sheriff sighed.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Scarlet looked around the crowded banqueting hall, she found little Ron by the cocktail sausages.
“You seen Marian?”
“She said to meet her at the front door.”
Little Ron picked up a handful of sausages, took out the sticks, threw the sausages away, and picked his teeth with the wooden implements.
“I love Buffets!”
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Marian paced up and down in the hallway, footsteps approached from a corridor. She took a deep breath.
“Marian.”
“Scarlet, Little Ron tell you to meet me here did he?”
“Yeah, what’s up?”
“I… uh thought you might like to watch the sun go down, you know, like we did when we were kids.”
“We never did that.”
“Well… we can start now!”
Scarlet frowned. “Okay.”
Marian stepped away from the doorway.
“After you.”
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The Sheriff sighed again.
“Where’s a potential hostage when you need one!”
At that moment, Scarlet poked her head out through the thick oak door.
“But it’s already…”
A sharp sword being held threateningly at her throat cut her off.
“…dark.”
The Sheriff took his new prisoner away, and Marian opened the door fully.
She smiled for a moment, yet felt an uncertain feeling deep inside her stomach. The smile turned to a frown, and then a grimace of shame.
“What have I done!?”
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 The Sheriff walked in front of his new hostage and smiled.
Gary and Graeme held Scarlet by the arms, she remained silent.
After another hundred yards, she looked up at her captors.
“Your shoelaces are untied.”
Gary and Graeme looked down, only to be met by two well aimed fists crashing into their noses.
They fell to the floor.
The Sheriff looked round, as Scarlet ran off in the opposite direction.
His face fell, and he sighed wearily.
“Just once I’d like to say I lost a fight to a huge bloke instead of a girl, or Marian’s mother, or the slow clapping Worksop Women’s Institute. This is just not funny anymore!”
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

With the sounds and din of the party still surrounding her, Marian sat at the bar, gulping down her tenth shot of Worm juice.
Across the room, Robin looked for Scarlet, and was pointed towards Marian’s direction by a dancing Barrington.
Marian watched his approach through the barrel of a shot glass, apparently fascinated.
“Marian, have you seen Scarlet?”
She took the glass away from her eye, and looked up at him.
“Robin Hood!!” she gasped, and burst into a fit of hysterical giggles.
“Marian, are you drunk!?”
“Me? DRUNK!?…NO!…noooooooooooo…no…okaaayyess!” she burst out laughing again, and snorted so hard that drink came out of her nose.
“I think you need some coffee.”
“NO! noooooo, I’m slerfuctly pober!”
Robin thrust a black coffee into her hands and frowned.
“It’s not like you to get carried away!”
Marian laughed.
“You know who has been carried away?” she leaned into Robin, and whispered into his ear. Robin gasped. Marian burst out laughing again, so hard, she fell off her chair.
Robin stood up straight and took a deep breath.
“Robin Hood, its all down to you now.” He rushed off through the crowds of dancing people and out into the darkness.
Marian looked up confused. “Whoopsfelldown!”
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Back at the Sheriff’s castle, The guards were busy clearing out the kitchen.
“Yuck! This compost stinks!!”
“Chuck it out of the window quick!”
“You think the Sheriff’s calmed down yet?” Graeme turned to Gary.

…“AAAAAAARGH!!! Bloody Mrs Robinson’s nicked my paper again!! What’s wrong with the world!? I thought it was supposed to be Patriarchal!!”…

“He sounds better than he was.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Marian groaned, and she rested her head on the bar. Blurred memories of her evening were whizzing around her head; she took another slurp of coffee.
Suddenly her vague memories merged into one.
“Oh no! It can’t be! Robin’s gone to rescue Scarlet!!”
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Robin made his way through the forest, having run back to the hideout to change. He was now clad in black; “To co-ordinate with the dark” he thought. He came to a tree stump and sat down exhausted. He had only progressed 50 yards from the camp, But his expert sense of direction had lead him in circles for the past half an hour. Not allowing this to taint his new-found sense of heroism, he proceeded on.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
 
Marian ran through the darkness, and headed for the Sheriff’s castle. She found her way through the thick trees and arrived at the front porch. Just as she was about to pick the lock, a huge cage fell down from above, trapping her.
The Sheriff appeared from the darkness.
“Steal my papers will you!? Now who’s the weakest link-“ he stopped, and squinted at his prisoner.
“Oh it’s you!…even better!”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Robin continued on his way, the forest was growing quieter, only the feint sound of the occasional owl, and flutter of the bats, and footsteps behind him, and…
“Oh crap!”
“Freeze or I’ll shoot!” came a voice from behind him, and the sharp tip of an arrow stuck into his back.
“Oh don’t shoot please I beg you!!” Apparently his new found sense of heroism didn’t last for long.
“…Robin?”
The arrow was taken away, and Robin, pulling the balaclava from his face, turned to face his captor.
“Scarlet! I thought you’d been captured!”
“I had… I would have thought you’d have been captured by now!”
“…thanks.”
“Oh I’ll kill Marian when I see her!!”
………………………………………………………………………………………………

Marian hung by her wrists from the wall of the dungeon.
“This has to be the worlds worst hangover!”

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Back at the party, most of the Villagers had departed for the night, and the Merry Men were slightly worse for wear.
Barrington and Rabies were sitting at the piano singing ‘Moon River’. Whilst Little Ron was lying under a table regretting that anyone had ever introduced him to trifle.
As the barman cleared up, Robin and Scarlet entered.
“Where’s Marian?”
“She’s off rescuing someone.” Said the barman. “Here’s her bill!”
He handed it to Robin.
Robin looked at it vaguely like it was an alien object, and thrust it into Scarlet’s hands.
He poured himself a shot of Absinthe and gulped it back in one.
“Robin Hood, it’s all down to you again!” He put on his balaclava, and rushed off swinging open the door. Unfortunately it was the door to the Broom cupboard, he had put his balaclava on backwards. He staggered out, and headed for the right one. He swayed round to face his audience.
“I’ll be…something…profound…” he trailed off, and sauntered into the darkness.
The barman turned to Scarlet, and handed her Robin’s bill.
“…I’ll kill both of them!”
………………………………………………………………………………………………

The Sheriff and Guards fell to the floor, as they were charged at and knocked out by a black figure, flailing its arms wildly.
Moments later, The door of the dungeon flung open, and a dark figure swept in. Marian looked up and started to speak. “Who…?” A black gloved hand wrapped around her mouth. In silence, the stranger took out the set of stolen keys, and unlocked the manacles, a strand of brown hair falling out of its black headwear. Marian stepped down from the rack, straining to see the stranger’s face from under the balaclava.
The crept in silence through the dungeon door, and over the unconscious guards. Marian gave the stranger a perplexed look as she avoided the sleeping Sheriff, and followed her rescuer down the corridor.
Before she could make any noise of complaint, the black figure swung her over its shoulder, and proceeded to climb out of the window.
“Wait!”
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Back in the corridor, the Sheriff stirred, and his eyes glanced towards the window shadows moved outside and he slowly spotted the rope attached to the wall behind. He smiled.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Marian took hold of the balaclava that covered the strangers face, and pulled. 
She gasped.
“Robin!”
Marian looked at him open-mouthed.
“You…you did all this?!”
Robin nodded smugly.
“And you haven’t messed up yet?!”
Robin shook his head.
“You’re amazing!”
Robin was slightly taken aback by this, and blushed a deep shade of crimson.
Marian looked up into the eyes of her rescuer.
Robin grinned, and then his grin turned into sheer amazement as Marian planted a kiss on his cheek.
“Come on then, are you going to sweep me off my feet or what?”
Robin’s smile turned into a grimace as he looked down. The effects of the Absinthe had worn off, and he had just realised he was hanging out of a third storey window with a woman in one hand and a rope in the other.
“I feel sick!”
Marian quickly sensed that Robin was about to mess up. And he did, At least he messed up the sheriffs garden below.
“I want to get down, I don’t like heights!!”
“ROBIN! You IDIOT! Now is not the time to have second thoughts!!”
“But I…”
“No Buts! You started this, and now you’re going to finish it, now are you going to rescue me or what!?”
“Or wha-“
“Side down the rope robin.”
“Shan’t”
“ROBIN!”
Robin’s face crumpled and he whimpered as he gently slid down the length of the rope.
A shadow loomed from behind, and a glint of silver was visible in the moonlight. The tearing of rope was heard from above, and Marian and Robin looked up.
Still in mid air, with more than 100ft left to go, they watched the menacing face of the Sheriff appear from the window.
“No!”
The rope fell, sending its passengers speeding to the ground.
A muffled thud could be heard from above, as the Sheriff looked down at his victims.
“Farewell Robin Hood and Maid Marian!”
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The morning rose, shrouded in mist.
The villagers stood in silence, as they spread the remaining earth over the long trenches.
“It’s such a shame, such a terrible terrible shame.”
Gladys tossed a flower down in between them.
Barrington, Little Ron and Rabies appeared from behind.
“Hey man, what’s goin’ down?”
Gladys turned and put an arm round him.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
“What?…Where’s Marian and Robin?”
“We tried to save them.” Snooker turned to the gang.
“It was too late.”
“What are you talking about man?”
“They were already turning green.” Gladys wiped a tear from her eyes.
“What?!”
“The leftovers, Chicken Tikka, Guacamole dip, little tiny triangle sandwiches…all gone, all ruined!”
“No! Not the Cream cheese and chive!” Rabies cried.
“I’m sorry! It’s all gone!”
The gang stood in silence.
After a while Little Ron looked up.
“So where’s Marian and Robin?”
Gladys turned and pointed a withered finger in the direction of the misty trees.
“There look!”
A shadow appeared from the white cloud, a figure, as it got closer, another figure appeared in its arms, slumped over, limp.
“It’s Marian.” Said Rabies.
“Who’s she carrying?”
“It looks like Robin!”
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

After the dramatic escape of Marian and Robin, both were exhausted, and still covered in the remains of Worksop village compost emporium, which after being demolished, had been thrown out of one of the windows of the Sheriff’s castle; preventing their agonising death.
Robin was washing his hair for the seventeenth time, still swearing blindly that if he stood in the right light, traces of leaf mould were still visible in his long tresses.
As they sat in the sunlight around an open fire in the grounds of the castle, Marian looked uncomfortable; she turned to her companion.
“Robin?”
“Yeah?”
“…nevermind.”
After about ten minutes of silence, she turned to Robin, and took a deep breath.
“Robin?”
He turned to face her, awaiting her question.
“What you said yesterday, before…before we hit the ground.”
“What?… ARRRRGGHHH!!!!?”
“No…not that, before that, you started to say something.”
Robin looked puzzled.
“You said…”Everything I do, I do it for-. You didn’t finish your sentence, and then we hit the conveniently piled up compost heap.”
“Oh…” Robin turned away ashamed and blushed. “…that.”
“What were you going to say?”
Marian looked expectantly into Robin’s eyes.
Robin took her hand. “Marian…”
“Yes?”
“Everything I do…”
“Yes?”
“I do it for…”
Marian moved closer.
“Yes?”
“Fashion.”
Marian stared blankly at him, and after a moment of silence, blinked.
“What?”
“Everything I do, I do it for Fashion.” said Robin in a matter of fact way.
Marian remained silent, and pushed away his hand.
Robin got up.
“That’s what I wanted on my gravestone, I thought it had a certain ring to it…don’t you?”
He turned to Marian. She stared at him in disbelief.
“That’s what you wanted to tell me?”
“Yes.”
“That’s what you wanted to tell me in our last moments together?”
“Uh…Yes?” Robin sensed the compressed anger in Marian’s voice and winced He had a feeling he’d bollocksed up again.
“I don’t believe you! After all those years we’ve spent together, after me saving your stupid behind countless times, risking my life every time you mess up, and you wanted to tell me what you wanted put on your gravestone? What do you think I was going to be able to do about it?! I was a second away from smacking into a hundred tons of earth and leaves!!”
“Well…”
“Well what!?”
“Well… there wasn’t anyone else to tell, I just thought…”
“You thought!! Wow that’s a first!”
Robin sat down quietly, and looked at his feet.
“I’m surprised you think at all! The amount of times I’ve had to rescue you from the King, or that time you got your head stuck in those railings at the Worksop country fair, or the time you got your tights wrapped around your neck! You know I shouldn’t have bothered, if I knew that the final thing you ever had to say to me was what you wanted on your stupid gravestone, I should have left you!! If it wasn’t for me, you’d have suffocated on those idiotic pair of red and blue tartan stockings, and do you know what we’d have put on your gravestone then?”
Robin shook his head feebly, not looking up.
“Robin Hood, Fashion Victim.”
Marian stormed off.
Robin looked up through bloodshot eyes, his bottom lip trembled.
“I’m not a fashion victim.”
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

At the Sheriff’s castle, there was a sound at the door.
As the visitor reached to pull the door knocker, a heap of stinking compost fell from the sky.
“Now who has to take the walk of shame-…ah!”
“NOTTINGHAMMMMM!!!!”
“Ah! Sir I can explain!”
“Good! Because if you don’t come up with a good explanation to why I’m covered in dung, and why my castle has been overrun by peasants, I’ll stick a pole up your rear end, flatten you like a pancake, and fly you from my battlements as the new royal flag. UNDERSTAND!!!!!”
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Robin wandered through the forest, kicking up leaves from the ground.
As he made his way through the thick vegetation, he muttered to himself.
“…fashion victim…wouldn’t know good taste if it jumped out of a tree in front of her…”
Suddenly there came a thud as something jumped out of a treed in front of him.
He screamed, and fell to the floor.
After a second or two of silence and a distinct lack of attack, he looked up. A great expanse of skirt came into view, then a bow and arrow and then his eyes met the unimpressed gaze of Marian looking down at him.
After a moment, Robin got up and brushed the leaves from his tunic.
He looked defiantly at Marian who was looking angrily up at him.
A few seconds passed, nothing was said, the air was thick between the two pairs of icy eyes. Not even the birds dared to sing. Silence filled the forest.
Robin broke eye contact, and looked down at his feet.
“I’m not a fashion victim!” he said quietly.
Marian smiled.
“I know.”
... her mind wandered back to the castle window... she pulled the balaclava away from Robin’s face, his hair cascading down his shoulders, his chiselled jaw highlighted a days worth of unshaven chin, she looked up, a bead of sweat rolled down his forehead, their eyes met...
Marian, disgusted at herself shook the image away, and looked up at Robin. He met her gaze.
“I’m sorry.” They said at the same time.
They looked down embarrassed.
Marian spoke.
“I’m sorry I called you a fashion victim.”
Robin smiled.
“I’m sorry I said…what I did…I didn’t mean…”
“I know.”
“I mean you know I…”
“Yeah.”
“…and I wouldn’t…”
“I know…you know I…”
“Yeah.”
“Good.”
“Good.”
“So I guess we’ve sorted everyth-“
Robin was interrupted mid sentence, as Marian pulled his face to hers, and kissed him.
It was one of those long romantic kisses, that wasn’t so long that you had to send your granny or younger brother out of the room, yet long enough for a clever Hollywood composer to carefully add a piece of romantic yet loud music to drown out the sound of the slurping.
Yet in this case, this perfectly not too long, not too short kiss didn’t need any music. As soon as the couples lips collided, the birds started to sing, the trees started to sway, and the animals…well they made various snuffling noises in their burrows, and there was not a slurp in sight.
Marian gently pulled away, and smiled. After a moment she looked up at Robin.
He was staring wide-eyed and blankly back at her.
It took him a moment to regain his sense of balance. He blinked, and started to speak, yet when he opened his mouth a sound that sounded very like “hmarf” came out. He shut his mouth. Apparently he had not yet regained use of his vocal chords.
He cleared his throat, and started to speak again.
“I…uh…”
Marian stopped him.
“Robin?”
“Yes?”
Marian paused for a moment, then slapped him around the face.
He looked at her shocked, and held his cheek.
“What was that for?!”
“That was for getting me captured by the Sheriff!”
She kicked him in the shin.
“And that was for nearly killing us by jumping out of a third storey window!!”
“But…But I was rescuing you!”
“You were also kissing my sister!!”
“Well you got her captured in the first place!”
“Only because…well you…”
“You were drunk!”
“So were you!”
“You called me a fashion victim!”
“You are!”
“Well you’re just jealous!”
“Of what!?”
“Of my Fashion Sense… and of me kissing your sister!”
“I am not!!!”
“Are so.”
“Am not”
“Are so”
“Am not”
“Are so no returns!”
“Idiot!”
“I heard that!”
“I said it out loud!”
Their arguments grew quieter as they made their way back to the camp.
Although still embroiled in a slanging match, they had the sense that everything was now back to normal. Marian was winning, and Robin was an Idiot.
Everything had turned out right in the end…
…or did it…

“Get those glasses washed!”
“I’m working as hard as I can!”
“You’ll have to work harder if you’re going to pay off those bills!”
Scarlet wiped her forehead with a soapy hand.
“I’ll kill them!”